If I wasn’t so certain that this “food” would kill me, I would spend the 10 bucks to buy it. I need more sparkles in my diet people!
Sparkle Sparkle!
June 10th, 2010Too Much Oil
June 7th, 2010In case it wasn’t already obvious, I am not an environmentalist. If all the adorable animals on the planet suddenly died at once, my first thought would be “and I never got to eat one!” not something like “boohoo” which is exactly what a hippie would say. At any rate, according to Salon this cake was made at Breaux Mart in New Orleans:
My only issue? Where are the dead animals drowning in the oil? I want my piece of cake to contain some belly up dolphin made from frosting dammit!
To Eat List
June 3rd, 2010Tomorrow your humble Gnome leaves for Europe. But don’t worry, I’ve already set up blogs ahead of schedule so you can still get your twice weekly fix! I will be traveling through London and Paris and hopefully encountering many delightful food adventures along the way. The following is my To Eat List:
1) English fish and chips – must come in actual newspaper wrapping or it doesn’t count
2) Proper English tea – must have cucumber sandwiches or I will start violently throwing scalding tea at random people
3) Horse meat – as discussed here
4) Weird French candies where I can’t read the labels and have to guess what the ingredients are
Obviously, I don’t want to have too many predetermined foods, otherwise I won’t be able to randomly find things on the street. “What’s that you’re selling…monkey brains still inside the skull? Don’t mind if I do!”
Productivity Boost
May 31st, 2010Did you know that the foods you eat can actually affect the way you feel? It’s true, according to this very modern looking website I have found. Let’s forget for a moment that the background is a bunch of giant snowflakes making it look like a geocities pages circa 1995 and focus on the 100 Foods To Aid in Your Productivity. As someone who feels that working a single job is for losers, I really don’t have a lot of issues with productivity. However, I’m intrigued by the scientific groupings on this page. Let’s break this down category by category, shall we?
Improve Digestion and Sleep: Wait, does this mean that if I’m pooping a lot then I will sleep better? And why isn’t yogurt on this list? Every time I watch TV there is a new commercial explaining how if I only ate yogurt my belly would dance around, even while sleeping!
Energy and Brain Foods: Umm, why isn’t coffee and Red Bull included on this list? I don’t wake up in the morning and eat a giant fucking eggplant do I?
Low Fat Filling Foods: Why is vanilla soy milk included in the list but no other types? Why the hate on regular or chocolate flavors?
Eyesight: Carrots, really? Hasn’t this been proven as a myth already? According to the internet, yes, yes it has.
General Productivity Boosters: Isn’t this the same as energy foods? How does energy and a productivity boost differ exactly?
And it just keeps going! The rest of the categories of Heart Healthy/Cancer Fighting/Avoiding Colds are on an even higher level of bullshit that I just can’t be bothered to make fun of them. Yes, I will admit that eating healthier foods probably improves your health, which in turn could boost productivity. However, I have been closely following my Test Subject (aka That Guy I Know) for some time. He eats all kinds of horrible, horrible foods and seems to be doing ok. He has no problem with “digestion” or sleeping and he probably only eats about five of the list items on a regular basis. The fact that he eats those five items in deep fried form does nothing to support the truly scientific nature of this website.
Total Disappointment
May 27th, 2010You may recall that many months ago I purchased a product called Wake The Fuck Up Coffee, something that I blogged about here and here. I was going to mail the coffee out to people, but never did. And so, it just sat up in my room, collecting dust. Then this weekend we ran out of coffee at my place and That Guy I Know suggested we use WTFU. And we did. I had high hopes for this particular experiment, maybe Guy was going to have a heart attack and I would have to take him to the hospital and explain to the doctor’s that he had drank a super strong coffee and then I would sue the company and get a huge cash settlement (oh and Guy would survive too). Instead, we made the coffee, I had a sip and it tasted like really, really strong coffee. Guy drank his cup and suffered no ill effects and said he felt “pretty awake” and that was that. He probably could have got the same effects from drinking a can of red bull. I am NOT impressed with you Wake The Fuck Up Coffee. I have a feeling that your entire brand is just based around the fact that you have a swear word in your product. Guess what? Fuck is probably the most common word in my vocabulary after “the” so you have failed to impress me. Go fucking fuck yourselves fucking Wake The Fuck Up Coffee.
Guest Blog Post: Doritos
May 24th, 2010The Gnome Sez: It’s Victoria Day, a stat holiday in this Canada, but not in the UK where Victoria was, you know, born. Then again, who am I to question a day off work? In the interest of being lazy, here is another guest blog post from my buddy Jeff:
One thing I can never keep enough of in stock is nacho cheese flavored Doritos. It amuses me that every few years the company that makes them always seems to promote a new recipe that’s “now nacho cheesier than ever!”, though every time I see this I buy some, try to pay attention and yep, it does in fact taste cheesier than I’ve ever remembered. This makes me wonder if Doritos, when I ate them in the 1980s, were terrible, bland, chalky tortilla craps that I just didn’t realize were awful, or if I’m being taken in by a misleading marketing campaign. Either way, I enjoy them.
One problem that I have with Doritos, however, is the aftertaste that creeps into your mouth once you’ve been done eating for a few hours. Brushing your teeth or chewing gum doesn’t help, either – there’s no recourse but to wake up in the morning with the feeling that someone, while you were peacefully sleeping, snuck in to your room and threw a handful of death in your mouth.
There is a solution to this problem, though I’m not quite sure how I learned this. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember, so I don’t know if someone showed it to me (perhaps a wise traveling vagabond) or if it was just a rare moment of kismet, a la the Reese’s peanut butter cup legend. I find that if I eat popcorn with Doritos, not only is the result a delicious combination, but I’m not left with a gag-inspiring aftertaste. In my mind I picture the popcorn soaking up the bad effects of the Doritos, just like spreading manure on an oil spill helps to clean up the toxic mess. Okay, that wasn’t the best analogy. But I recommend the combination to anyone who likes Doritos but hates being shunned from society afterward.
McNuggetini
May 20th, 2010The McNuggetinic contains the following ingredients: a McDonald’s chocolate milkshake, vanilla vodka, BBQ sauce (around the martini rim) and a chicken McNugget (garnish). Yeah, it’s weird and it’s gross and I would probably only be able to drink a sip before throwing up and crying at the same time. Here’s the kicker: inventing this drink has made these ladies famous! What the fuck!?! Hey, internet here is an idea for a drink. Take one McDonald’s coffee and blend it with an Egg McMuffin and call it the “Good Morning Medley” can I be famous now too please?
50% What?
May 17th, 2010On Monday, one of the accountants in my office was back from his vacation in China and he brought these cookies with him:
Like the greedy little blogger that I am, I immediately grabbed one of each kind of cookie so I could take a picture and sample a few. It’s probably hard to see in the picture above but several of the cookies have some English on them, like “mango” or “sesame” so I had a rough idea what I was eating. However, on the packaging there is also some writing that says “50%” followed by a few Chinese characters. It was driving me crazy. 50% what? Mango? Sawdust? Human flesh? I guess I won’t ever find out and maybe that is for the best.
Instant Disgust
May 13th, 2010My dear friend Gen has been in the hospital recently with baby related issues. The issue being that she had a baby inside of her and it needed to come out. During her hospital stay I got to check out a few of the “meals” she was given. I know, I know, making fun of hospital food is not particularly cutting edge, but I saw two different dinners come her way. The first was turkey and mashed potatoes and the second was chicken and mashed potatoes. Both servings of mashed potatoes were in the unmistakable shape of an ice cream scope used to dollop out what could only have been instant mashed potatoes to the poor, sick people forced to consume it. First of all, instant mashed potatoes are one of the most evil creations in all of human history. More importantly, how the fuck are people supposed to get healthy when they have to choke down shit like this? The worst part of this whole situation is that Gen is slowly but surely forcing herself to eat because she knows she should. But the dinner tray collecting person comes along after she’s had the food for about 15 minutes and isn’t even close to being finished. Then when she was done with her meal, there was no one to collect the tray so the room stank of fucking instant mashed potatoes! For more examples on how hospital food sucks in all parts of the world, check out this blog.
The Unstoppable Stench
May 10th, 2010I’d like to start this post by stating that I love bacon and will never stop eating it. However, the sudden interest in all things bacon has recently led to a giant bacon backlash and to be honest I am kind of on board with this. Case in point: The Huffington Post has a list of items that are made of bacon, but shouldn’t be. A few notable examples would be the bacon bra, the bacon hat and the bacon dress. People, bacon is for EATING! It is not for wearing and I am especially disturbed by the bacon bra. That thing is giving that poor woman no support whatsoever.
If I may reminisce for a moment, when I was 15 I got my first summer job at a Beef Jerky factory. After working an eight hour shift I would come home fucking reeking of beef jerky. It was on my clothes, my hair and my skin. If I took a long, hot shower I would not smell clean, I would smell like beef jerky. By midsummer I had kind of given up on life and just started wearing the same clothes over and over because they already stank like beef jerky and washing them would be a giant waste of time. Now consider the stink that comes off that fucking bacon dress. It’s like my pathetic beef jerky job magnified ten times. And, if you got to the bacon dress picture, you’ll notice that the middle shot shows the model sniffing her arm. She has suddenly come to the horrifying conclusion that she will smell like bacon for the next week. This is not an exaggeration, I know.
