Dear Readers,
You have probably noticed a drop in the number of posts recently. For a variety of reasons I have grown tired of being the Grouchy Gastronome and I think I need to take a break. I will continue to update the blog about once a week, but these are going to be “classic” posts from the old blogspot site. I’m hoping that if I step away for awhile I will regain my love of food-hate and feel inspired to blog anew.
Sincerely,
Your humble Gnome
So last week I featured bacon popcorn, this week I am featuring the bacon mug:
I was going to try and come up with some sort of clever title for this picture, but really, what the hell could I say? This picture defies words and instills within me a sense of awe and reverence. Don’t get me wrong, I would never actually eat a mug of bacon, but I would probably take a few bites. And what the hell is that liquid inside the mug, is it cheese, soup, whale semen? More importantly, think of the time it would have taken to create this monstrosity, think of the sheer amount of nasty bacon grease you would get all over you while doing it. To the creator of the bacon mug, my hat is off to you. The question is, what crazy item should I attempt to make from bacon to top this?
If someone placed the following rice bowl in front you…
Would you:
1) Find it simply too adorable to eat and start crying.
2) Take a picture with your camera to preserve the image, then start eating.
3) Be halfway through eating the bowl before commenting “hey is this some kind of Care Bear or something?”
Officially, the Gnome would choose answer 2, while That Guy I Know would choose answer 3. Pretty much everyone else I know would choose answer 1. Oh yeah, I went there. Hate away readers.
That Guy I Know’s extended family is from Saskatchewan. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Canadian history *ahem ALL my American readers* Saskatchewan was taken from the native people and much of the land was given to the lowliest of individual: Eastern Europeans. This is because living in Saskatchewan pretty much sucks from around September through May because it is ridiculously cold. Naturally people from Eastern Europe would be used to these types of dismal conditions and therefore jump at the chance to live in a place that makes Ohio look mountainous.
I felt the need to explain all this because on Saturday Guy’s family celebrated Ukrainian Xmas (they do this every year) as a testament to their days living the harsh realities of prairie (and by extension Ukrainian) life. Most of the menu consisted of traditional Ukrainian food including: perogies, kielbasa (or as they pronounce it kubasa, basically its dead animal in sausage form), cabbage rolls (both sweet and sour) corn meal (which is really gross) and this cold wheat “soup” (which is also really gross). Also on the menu were some non-Ukrainian foods including barbecued chicken and a salad. Do you notice anything about the meal? Yeah, not really heavy on any vegetables. My theory on this is two-fold. First, since it’s so fucking cold in both the Ukraine and Saskatchewan having vegetables available in the middle of winter would be basically impossible to come by. Second, these people are very macho in demeanor, as Guy says “vegetables are what food eats,” therefore having any type of vegetable on the menu is an instant sign that you are hippie beatnik with machinations of turning everyone in to free loving vegetarians. Overall, the food was actually quite tasty, albeit a little bland. When salt is the most daring spice at your disposal you know you’re eating a Ukrainian* dish.
*Please note: I’m English and traditional foods from this part of the world are just as bland, just so you know I don’t discriminate**.
** Please note: I really enjoy discriminating against pretty much everything.
If Star Trek Eggo waffles are wrong, I don’t want to be right.
First, there was bacon soap. Now there is bacon popcorn!
Yes, the delicious taste of bacon is now coated all over popcorn, just as nature intended. Personally, when I make bacon popcorn I do things a little differently. First, I take the time to wrap a small piece of bacon around each kernel of popped popcorn. Yes, this is extremely time consuming, but it is totally worth it to get that authentic bacon flavored taste. In conclusion, this popcorn is total bullshit because it’s popcorn to bacon grease level is not nearly high enough.
Ok, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what the fuck is the point of giant record breaking food items? Sure they look cool and, yes, it would be entertaining to force feed That Guy I Know this giant gummy bear:
Now, forgive me dear readers, but I’m going to get on my Gnome Soapbox for a moment and point out the fact that fucking millions of people are starving to death all over the world and yet society has decided that creating a giant pizza is more important.
Even the guy who is eating the pizza in this picture looks like a tremendous douche bag. Yes, I realize I am doing exactly nothing to solve world hunger but I’m also not particularly concerned with what exactly the largest bowl of hummus clocks in at.
Anyway, if you want to check out a whole list of ridiculous giant foods and imagine Guy groaning in agony as I shove another mouthful his way, check this link out.
*Sigh* it’s back to work today for me and the rest of the general population as well. I am feeling particularly grouchy and angry and for once I will not be directing that rage at That Guy I Know…well at least not ALL my rage. Instead:
You know, I feel a little better!
I’m the type of person who likes a well organized and structured schedule; I do NOT roll with the punches. So on Xmas Day That Guy I Know’s parents wanted me to come over to their house for a few hours of hanging out and present opening. This visit was on the understanding that I would leave in the late afternoon to attend dinner at my parents house, which was fine with me. At about 3:30, they ask if I am staying for dinner, which they had apparently thought I was attending all along. Oh shit. After some turkey deductions Guy’s parents figured we would be eating at 5, giving me ample opportunity to eat my parent’s dinner at 6:30. I was a little hesitant since this was deviating from my plan…but I did the impossible; I managed to eat a full plate of food at Guy’s parent’s house and then followed that up an hour and a half later with another plate of food at my parents feast: turkey, stuffing, perogies, mashed potatoes, yams, brussel sprouts, I ate it all. Oh and I only let this change in schedule result in a minor mental breakdown on my part. Did I mention that Guy ate at both meals with me as well? Did I mention that I fucking warned him not to eat too much at the first meal to save room for the second? Except he didn’t fucking listen to me and seriously ate a sliver of turkey and about three carrots at my parents dinner. They were SUPER offended and have basically disowned me because of this debacle. I think a large apology present is required…hey That Guy I Know, I could use some more gnome dolls so I can place them strategically all over your place so that you feel the constant angry eyes of The Gnome on you at all times.
As far as I’m concerned the holiday season is a time for eating. Obviously it is mostly a time for PRESENTS…but eating is a close second on why I don’t totally hate Xmas with every ounce of my being. On Xmas Eve I went over to a family friend’s house and the hostess happens to be a regular blog reader. She pretty much threatened me with a butcher knife when nobody was looking and told me I had to write only favorable things about the food. Too bad for her I am a blogger of integrity and the possibility of having my “pretty little face cut” (her words) would not deter me. However, in a stroke of luck I don’t have to worry about getting sliced and diced because the food was great! Check out the spread:
Shrimp, veggies, various breads and dips, spring rolls and other M&M products and a cream cheese concoction that was very tasty. Oh yes, and the item that is front and center because it is so awesome? The chicken wings provided by The Gnome. Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I made those wings, they totally came from a box. However, I braved the grocery store on Xmas Eve afternoon and it was not a pretty sight. I ended up waiting in line to buy those fucking wings for about 20 minutes, which is pretty much how long it would have taken me to make them from scratch so it all evens out in the end.
