The Grouchy Gastronome

Guest Blog Post: Wheatcakes

The Grouchy Gastronome — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:55:01 +0000

Jeff says: “Spider-Man, Spider-Man, eating food from a frying pan!”

It’s not often that my love of comic books and my love of supplementing blogs about food come crashing together. Due to the rarity of this feat, I must take advantage of any opportunity I can get. Food isn’t something that comes up in comic books very often. It’s kind of like sleeping or using the toilet in sitcoms – they never mention it unless it plays an important part in the plot or lends itself to a joke.

Even so, there are a few instances when food gains relevance in a character’s history or, at the very least, becomes part of a long-running joke. Superman has been known for his affinity to beef bourguignon for years – he even sang a song about beef in Superman: The Musical (oh, the simpler times of the 1960s). Perhaps no super hero has been tied to a particular food item more closely than Spider-Man, who since his inception has been relegated to his deranged Aunt May’s wheatcakes. No, that isn’t an odd euphemism for an old woman’s breasts – I’m talking about literal wheatcakes, similar to pancakes, served from a skillet.

I recently picked up a copy of the 1996 Untold Tales of Spider-Man annual, in which they printed (for the first time, apparently) the recipe for the wheatcakes May Parker would shove in front of her nephew Peter issue after issue. After looking at the directions, I’m quite perplexed: would anyone actually eat these? It seems like they’d be terrible. Here’s the recipe:

May Parker’s Famous Wheatcakes

Mix together:
- 1 cup buckwheat flour
- 1 cup sifted whole wheat flour
- 2 teaspoons double-acting baking powder
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon salt

In a separate bowl, mix 2 cups buttermilk and 2 teaspoons molasses, then set aside.

Add to the four mix:
- 2 beaten eggs
- 1/4 cup melted butter
- the buttermilk/molasses mixture

Whip 2 egg whites until stiff (but not dry!), then fold them into the batter gently until blended. Don’t over mix!

Cook on a greased hot griddle or frying pan, until small bubbles appear on top. Then turn pancakes over, and cook until bottom is lightly browned. Serve hot, with butter and maple syrup.

Now, I realize that tastes are subjective, but is there anyone who would find these the least bit appetizing? I think that if someone was a really big Spider-Man fan, he or she might find it fun to try a recipe so steeped in the character’s history, but really, at least Superman had the courtesy to choose a dish in which meat is the main course.

The Gnome sez: There is no way in hell I’m trying these bloody things. Also, if you’d like to read Jeff’s Yeti-blog version, which is pretty similar to this version(but has a better version of the picture!), go here: http://teddyandtheyeti.blogspot.com/2010/02/spider-mans-wheatcakes-recipe.html

What Did The Daddy Tomato Say To The Baby Tomato?

The Grouchy Gastronome — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:26:35 +0000

Behold! The new and improved Heinz ketchup packets! Apparently this little baby can be used both for squeezing out ketchup AND dipping, such convenience. In addition, it apparently contains three times as much ketchup as the old packets did, so what’s not to love?

I’m sure everyone has a story where they were trying to get ketchup out of a packet and it went everywhere and it was a mess. Well I knew a guy in Ohio who took this this to a new level. For starters, I should point out that this guy wasn’t exactly the smartest individual, which is why he decided to twist and twist and twist a ketchup packet to see what would happen. Anyone who is even remotely familiar with physics will know that the ketchup shot out at an alarming rate. Oh, did I mention we were at the mall when this happened…and that the ketchup shot across the table and hit me…and a woman behind me who was wearing a WHITE shirt. Yeah, shit got real pretty fast. At that moment I had a choice, beat this asshole so that my shirt would be stained with two types of red liquids or try to clean myself up. I really like the shirt I was wearing, so I ran to the bathroom to try and get the huge gobs of ketchup off my shirt, while my idiot friend decided to wait in the car since the white-shirt-wearing woman was looking for mall security. I never did managed to get the ketchup stain out of my shirt, so I’m guessing the woman didn’t either. The moral of the story is: don’t eat in mall food courts with stupid assholes…also ketchup on the shirt pretty much guarantees you will not get the stain out, so always choose the savage beating.

Snack Stadium

The Grouchy Gastronome — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 13:00:19 +0000

I know the Super Bowl is long past, but I thought I would introduce the “The Ultimate Snack Stadium” because I can:

Yeah, the entire thing in only 110,428 calories meaning That Guy I Know would probably have some trouble finishing, how he disappoints me.

Mondays and Thursdays

The Grouchy Gastronome — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:38:25 +0000

I have come to an executive decision. At first I was trying to update this blog almost every day, then I got pretty burnt out and stopped updating all together. So the time has come to find a happy medium. Going forward The Grouchy Gastronome will be updated Mondays and Thursday. No more, no less. Yes, it’s not every day, but I just don’t have the fucking time people! My promise to you, dear reader, is that I will not miss a Monday or a Thursday unless there are some extenuating circumstances.

Also, here is a picture of a Rubik’s cube sandwich, just for fun!

The Incident

The Grouchy Gastronome — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 17:48:23 +0000

Yes, The Gnome is back. What has inspired my sudden return? A rather unfortunate incident a few weeks ago. First, some facts:

1) Brian Burke is a hockey executive.

2) Brian Burke’s son died in a car crash on February 5.

3) Brian Burke returned to work on February 12 for the Toronto Maple Leafs game against St. Louis.

4) Laake is a loud talker.

5) Some people are assholes.

The Date: February 15

The Location: White Spot Restaurant

I had picked up my visiting Ohio friends from the skytrain station about an hour ago and we went to the White Spot restaurant near my house for dinner. At this point they had been in Canada for about 2 hours. Whilst eating dinner we somehow got on the topic of Brian Burke, specifically his policies as an employee of the NHL. Laake had some opinions on Burke’s policies that were not positive at which point some guy from across the room said “Hey, show some respect, his son just died.” This shut up Laake. We finished the rest of our meal, a little uncomfortable, but whatever. As we were leaving the restaurant, Respect Boy suddenly reared his ugly, hipster face in our direction to point out “You might not want to drop so many F-bombs in a family restaurant.” WHAT?!?! I kind of lost it at this point and requested that this douche bag clarify his statements, as he is apparently the head of the Morality Police. My Ohio friends didn’t want to make a scene, so we eventually left Respect Boy and his fugly girlfriend in the restaurant to enjoy not having to eat while listing to all the talk about “fucking” and our love of ragging on Brian Burke’s poor dead son.

Who the fuck does this asshole think he is? First of all, at no point did Burke’s son come up in our conversation about him, a conversation that involved past acts in the NHL. Second of all, I don’t fucking care to show respect to someone who wouldn’t give a flying fuck if my entire family died in a horrific car crash, so why I should I do the same for him? Because he’s famous? As stated in the facts section above, he had already returned to work at this point, so when can I stop showing my respect? A month, a year later? Then I can say whatever the fuck I want about Burke because the approved time period of respect showing has passed? And then there is the F-bomb accusation. Honestly, if we were swearing in the restaurant, it only happened once or twice. More to the point, if I want to say FUCK at the top of my lungs, it’s my fucking right to do so. Apparently asshole, hipsters are allowed to spew their opinions all over the goddam place about “showing respect,” they HAVE that right, but my right to free speech? Not allowed in a family restaurant. I really should have kicked that guys ass, but no, I guess I just respect myself too much to lay a finger on his attempt at growing a goatee. Fuck am I angry…and it feels GOOD!

Classic TGG: Breakfast Sandwich Challenge Part 5

The Grouchy Gastronome — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:17:16 +0000

You know what’s delicious? A&W breakfast. I know I’ve been hating on other fast food breakfasts lately (go to hell and DIE Wendy’s breakfast!) but A&W actually makes a mean breakfast sandwich. I have tried their Ham N Egger and I liked it enough to ignore the fact that they have an “N” in the middle of it as if this was an acceptable replacement for the word “and.” Anyway, the sandwich is really good. The egg, ham, and cheese are all well formatted to fit on the buns they use for the burgers. From a stability standpoint, this sandwich is the easiest to eat because besides sticking together well, it is also very UN-greasy, which is weird because I know it is still bad for you (ahem, 600 calories).

The only downside is that A&W restaurants aren’t nearly as easy to find as McDonald’s, so when I need a breakfast sandwich fast, I’ll probably go for my beloved Egg McMuffin, but if I want QUALITY, I’m going in search of A&W. Therefore my overall ranking of breakfast sandwiches is as follows:

1) A&W Ham N Egger
2) McDonald’s Egg McMuffin
3) Tim Horton’s BELT
4) Puke on bread
5) Anything on Wendy’s breakfast menu

Classic TGG: Breakfast Sandwich Challenge Part 4

The Grouchy Gastronome — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:15:48 +0000

Holy shit does Wendy’s breakfast suck! Yeah Wendy’s, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m fucking stupid for going to your restaurant for a second nasty breakfast sandwich. I ordered the Frescuit sandwich because as Wendy’s claims “Fresh Baked Moist Buttermilk Biscuit That Won’t Crumble All Over Your Lap” wasn’t all that catchy. Where do I begin? First, the biscuit DID crumble all over my lap, so their main claim about the sandwiches’ crumbleability is false. Second, it tasted like crap because even though there is a tiny piece of egg, cheese, and bacon wedged between these two giant biscuits…all I could taste was the giant biscuit. Even after I removed half the biscuit, it was still all I could taste and that is not a good thing. I rely on a good breakfast to get me through the drudgery of 8 hours of class ALL DAY on Saturday and that is two classes that are now that much longer because of Wendy’s crap breakfast offerings. Also, my Coke spilled all over my coat. I know this isn’t necessarily Wendy’s fault as a corporation, but I’m blaming them anyway.

Classic TGG: Breakfast Sandwich Challenge Part 3

The Grouchy Gastronome — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:14:22 +0000

Tim Horton’s is a fast food chain in Canada (and now in the US too). In keeping with a proud Canadian stereotype, Tim Horton’s is actually hockey related (because it’s named after a hockey player)! Unfortunately, giant brawls don’t usually break out in the restaurant, but I’m sure it does happen on occasion. Ironically, Tim Horton’s has been operating for years with only coffee and doughnut combinations for breakfast. But, they have recently introduced the BELT (bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato) on a bagel or biscuit. Also it comes with cheese, but I guess that doesn’t really fit in with the clever acronym. I personally think they are really good and when combined with a doughnut and coffee make for a good morning. Still…they can’t replace the egg McMuffin in my heart. So for those of you keeping score, the current ranking of breakfast sandwiches go in this order:

1) McDonald’s Egg McMuffin
2) Tim Horton’s BELT
3) Wendy’s Big Breakfast Sandwich

Classic TGG: Breakfast Sandwich Challenge Part 2

The Grouchy Gastronome — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:11:32 +0000

On my way to class one morning, I decided to try Wendy’s breakfast menu for the first time. To say that I was totally grossed out and only ate it because I was hungry is…actually pretty accurate. First, the hash browns that come with the sandwich looked appetizing because they looked like tater tots, which I like. However, aside from a different texture they taste exactly like the fries. It was weird, because in my mind I knew that I was eating the hash browns, but in my mouth I was certain I was eating the fries. If I hadn’t been driving at reckless speeds while eating these, I might have experimented with some ketchup, but I have to balance yelling profanity with a minimal amount of food in my mouth. On to the sandwich, the BIG breakfast sandwich that is. Sausage, egg, cheese, and bacon all combined on a Wendy’s burger bun. Overall, this wasn’t horribly awful to consume, but I was still not impressed. As of right now, I would try a different Wendy’s breakfast item so I’m not completely biased, but my first experience with them ended up with my throwing out about half the meal. On the plus side, I didn’t kill anyone while driving, which is showing a lot of restraint on my part.

Classic TGG: Breakfast Sandwich Challenge Part 1

The Grouchy Gastronome — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:10:35 +0000

I’m not a big fan of fast food. Back when I was poor college student, I would call a double cheeseburger lunch AND dinner, healthy! However, there is one feature of the fast food menu that I can’t give up and that is the breakfast sandwich. I’ve sampled some breakfast menus, but not all. So, in the interest of science (because I’m all about science) I’m going to sample every fast food sandwich menu and rate them in a fun list. Why? Because I can.

First on the list is the granddaddy of them all: the Egg McMuffin. Invented in 1972, the Egg McMuffin is actually the “healthiest” sandwich on the breakfast menu (thank you Wikipedia). So, what do I think of the Egg McMuffin? I think it’s great! Oh, I’ve had some pretty nasty, greasy ones over the years, particularly when I was living in Youngstown for some reason…but overall, I love this sandwich. I’m glad it’s only available in t he morning, otherwise I would eat this baby a lot more. And what is the greatest breakfast when on a road trip? An Egg McMuffin, hash browns, Coke and a Red Bull. The sheer amount of caffeine, sugar, taurine, fat, and eggy goodness all combines into a serious wake up that helps prepare you for the next 10 hours of driving.