I know the Super Bowl is long past, but I thought I would introduce the “The Ultimate Snack Stadium” because I can:
Yeah, the entire thing in only 110,428 calories meaning That Guy I Know would probably have some trouble finishing, how he disappoints me.
I have come to an executive decision. At first I was trying to update this blog almost every day, then I got pretty burnt out and stopped updating all together. So the time has come to find a happy medium. Going forward The Grouchy Gastronome will be updated Mondays and Thursday. No more, no less. Yes, it’s not every day, but I just don’t have the fucking time people! My promise to you, dear reader, is that I will not miss a Monday or a Thursday unless there are some extenuating circumstances.
Also, here is a picture of a Rubik’s cube sandwich, just for fun!
Yes, The Gnome is back. What has inspired my sudden return? A rather unfortunate incident a few weeks ago. First, some facts:
1) Brian Burke is a hockey executive.
2) Brian Burke’s son died in a car crash on February 5.
3) Brian Burke returned to work on February 12 for the Toronto Maple Leafs game against St. Louis.
4) Laake is a loud talker.
5) Some people are assholes.
The Date: February 15
The Location: White Spot Restaurant
I had picked up my visiting Ohio friends from the skytrain station about an hour ago and we went to the White Spot restaurant near my house for dinner. At this point they had been in Canada for about 2 hours. Whilst eating dinner we somehow got on the topic of Brian Burke, specifically his policies as an employee of the NHL. Laake had some opinions on Burke’s policies that were not positive at which point some guy from across the room said “Hey, show some respect, his son just died.” This shut up Laake. We finished the rest of our meal, a little uncomfortable, but whatever. As we were leaving the restaurant, Respect Boy suddenly reared his ugly, hipster face in our direction to point out “You might not want to drop so many F-bombs in a family restaurant.” WHAT?!?! I kind of lost it at this point and requested that this douche bag clarify his statements, as he is apparently the head of the Morality Police. My Ohio friends didn’t want to make a scene, so we eventually left Respect Boy and his fugly girlfriend in the restaurant to enjoy not having to eat while listing to all the talk about “fucking” and our love of ragging on Brian Burke’s poor dead son.
Who the fuck does this asshole think he is? First of all, at no point did Burke’s son come up in our conversation about him, a conversation that involved past acts in the NHL. Second of all, I don’t fucking care to show respect to someone who wouldn’t give a flying fuck if my entire family died in a horrific car crash, so why I should I do the same for him? Because he’s famous? As stated in the facts section above, he had already returned to work at this point, so when can I stop showing my respect? A month, a year later? Then I can say whatever the fuck I want about Burke because the approved time period of respect showing has passed? And then there is the F-bomb accusation. Honestly, if we were swearing in the restaurant, it only happened once or twice. More to the point, if I want to say FUCK at the top of my lungs, it’s my fucking right to do so. Apparently asshole, hipsters are allowed to spew their opinions all over the goddam place about “showing respect,” they HAVE that right, but my right to free speech? Not allowed in a family restaurant. I really should have kicked that guys ass, but no, I guess I just respect myself too much to lay a finger on his attempt at growing a goatee. Fuck am I angry…and it feels GOOD!
You know what’s delicious? A&W breakfast. I know I’ve been hating on other fast food breakfasts lately (go to hell and DIE Wendy’s breakfast!) but A&W actually makes a mean breakfast sandwich. I have tried their Ham N Egger and I liked it enough to ignore the fact that they have an “N” in the middle of it as if this was an acceptable replacement for the word “and.” Anyway, the sandwich is really good. The egg, ham, and cheese are all well formatted to fit on the buns they use for the burgers. From a stability standpoint, this sandwich is the easiest to eat because besides sticking together well, it is also very UN-greasy, which is weird because I know it is still bad for you (ahem, 600 calories).
The only downside is that A&W restaurants aren’t nearly as easy to find as McDonald’s, so when I need a breakfast sandwich fast, I’ll probably go for my beloved Egg McMuffin, but if I want QUALITY, I’m going in search of A&W. Therefore my overall ranking of breakfast sandwiches is as follows:
1) A&W Ham N Egger
2) McDonald’s Egg McMuffin
3) Tim Horton’s BELT
4) Puke on bread
5) Anything on Wendy’s breakfast menu
Holy shit does Wendy’s breakfast suck! Yeah Wendy’s, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’m fucking stupid for going to your restaurant for a second nasty breakfast sandwich. I ordered the Frescuit sandwich because as Wendy’s claims “Fresh Baked Moist Buttermilk Biscuit That Won’t Crumble All Over Your Lap” wasn’t all that catchy. Where do I begin? First, the biscuit DID crumble all over my lap, so their main claim about the sandwiches’ crumbleability is false. Second, it tasted like crap because even though there is a tiny piece of egg, cheese, and bacon wedged between these two giant biscuits…all I could taste was the giant biscuit. Even after I removed half the biscuit, it was still all I could taste and that is not a good thing. I rely on a good breakfast to get me through the drudgery of 8 hours of class ALL DAY on Saturday and that is two classes that are now that much longer because of Wendy’s crap breakfast offerings. Also, my Coke spilled all over my coat. I know this isn’t necessarily Wendy’s fault as a corporation, but I’m blaming them anyway.
Tim Horton’s is a fast food chain in Canada (and now in the US too). In keeping with a proud Canadian stereotype, Tim Horton’s is actually hockey related (because it’s named after a hockey player)! Unfortunately, giant brawls don’t usually break out in the restaurant, but I’m sure it does happen on occasion. Ironically, Tim Horton’s has been operating for years with only coffee and doughnut combinations for breakfast. But, they have recently introduced the BELT (bacon, egg, lettuce, tomato) on a bagel or biscuit. Also it comes with cheese, but I guess that doesn’t really fit in with the clever acronym. I personally think they are really good and when combined with a doughnut and coffee make for a good morning. Still…they can’t replace the egg McMuffin in my heart. So for those of you keeping score, the current ranking of breakfast sandwiches go in this order:
1) McDonald’s Egg McMuffin
2) Tim Horton’s BELT
3) Wendy’s Big Breakfast Sandwich
On my way to class one morning, I decided to try Wendy’s breakfast menu for the first time. To say that I was totally grossed out and only ate it because I was hungry is…actually pretty accurate. First, the hash browns that come with the sandwich looked appetizing because they looked like tater tots, which I like. However, aside from a different texture they taste exactly like the fries. It was weird, because in my mind I knew that I was eating the hash browns, but in my mouth I was certain I was eating the fries. If I hadn’t been driving at reckless speeds while eating these, I might have experimented with some ketchup, but I have to balance yelling profanity with a minimal amount of food in my mouth. On to the sandwich, the BIG breakfast sandwich that is. Sausage, egg, cheese, and bacon all combined on a Wendy’s burger bun. Overall, this wasn’t horribly awful to consume, but I was still not impressed. As of right now, I would try a different Wendy’s breakfast item so I’m not completely biased, but my first experience with them ended up with my throwing out about half the meal. On the plus side, I didn’t kill anyone while driving, which is showing a lot of restraint on my part.
I’m not a big fan of fast food. Back when I was poor college student, I would call a double cheeseburger lunch AND dinner, healthy! However, there is one feature of the fast food menu that I can’t give up and that is the breakfast sandwich. I’ve sampled some breakfast menus, but not all. So, in the interest of science (because I’m all about science) I’m going to sample every fast food sandwich menu and rate them in a fun list. Why? Because I can.
First on the list is the granddaddy of them all: the Egg McMuffin. Invented in 1972, the Egg McMuffin is actually the “healthiest” sandwich on the breakfast menu (thank you Wikipedia). So, what do I think of the Egg McMuffin? I think it’s great! Oh, I’ve had some pretty nasty, greasy ones over the years, particularly when I was living in Youngstown for some reason…but overall, I love this sandwich. I’m glad it’s only available in t he morning, otherwise I would eat this baby a lot more. And what is the greatest breakfast when on a road trip? An Egg McMuffin, hash browns, Coke and a Red Bull. The sheer amount of caffeine, sugar, taurine, fat, and eggy goodness all combines into a serious wake up that helps prepare you for the next 10 hours of driving.
I don’t really know why I did it, but one day I walked in to a KFC restaurant and ordered one of the “Famous Bowls.” What compelled me to do such a thing? Was I feeling particularly angry with myself that day? Perhaps a little suicidal?
I ended up in the hospital with what I can only described as “chicken related illness” something I am sure is quite common for KFC patrons. Oh and in case you don’t think this bowl will satisfy you, they offer another variety that comes with a freaking biscuit! Seriously, Colonel Sanders? I imagine that the people who come up with the recipe ideas thought to themselves, “Well it DOES include corn, which is a vegetable…people can probably handle a biscuit on the side as a reward for eating something vaguely healthy.”
I consider myself something of a gum connoisseur, so it was only a matter of time before I tried Stride gum. Stride is apparently “ridiculously long lasting” so I decided to put it to the test. In the interest of science, I used the highly sophisticated clock on my cell phone to time how long I chewed the gum. I lasted two hours and 37 minutes and it held on to its flavor rather well the entire time, so it does live up to the hype. Here’s the problem: I really don’t enjoy chewing gum for that long. By the end my mouth was sore from all chewing, but I kind of felt guilty for spitting out the gum because it still had flavor. So good job, Stride, you made me feel bad about something and I NEVER feel bad about anything.
But, the stride website claims to offer a cinnamon flavor. I haven’t seen it in stores, but when I do that means I am going to have to do an extensive review to discover what is truly the best cinnamon gum, stay tuned…
…update on this. After consulting Wikipedia I have discovered that the cinnamon flavor is only available in America. First, what the fuck? Second, which of my American friends are going to bring me some Stride cinnamon the next time they happen to be visiting me in Canadia?
